december 23rd resolution

The air is sharp. It cuts through my sweaters and pulls on my armhairs. My glasses fog up with every breath I take into my scarf. My nose is so cold, my fingers are so cold, my toes are so cold. I am riding my bike for the first time in weeks and my lungs feel old. They feel heavy, like my heart feels in my chest. I think I want to be alone now. It is time for book reading and song writing. It is a time for friends (even if they don't tell me everything, and I tell them nothing). It is time for all of this. Even if I make mistakes I will get through whatever this moldy funk is. I'm so over it.

Emotions. Emotions. Emotions.

Maybe if I do this? Maybe if I do that? Next year will be different. Pssh, I doubt it. I thought taking a bike ride would cleanse me. I am not cleansed, but I had a good time with myself. That is a start. I am tired of thinking boys will call, and that they want to be with me. I don't want to play these strange games. They make me feel bad.

No more feeling bad!

I will not make a New Years resolution. I will make a December 23rd resolution: To be my own best friend. Yeah, sex feels good, but so does masturbating. I have to keep imagining how sex feels when it is with someone I want to be with and who wants to be with me. Someone who wants all of me, who can't have enough of me even if they are pissed at me. I have never felt that before. It sounds exciting.