oops

And it starts again. I'm done with resolutions anyways. I need to make a cup of coffee, or I may get a cup at Soup Swift. Needless to say, I had a good night. I saw Two Foot Level at the Legion and did not have to buy one beer. I drank one too many though. And then other stuff happened. But that's not important! What's important is that I feel good, even if nothing comes out of it. I feel like I accomplished something. Boys may hold grudges but they can't deny a pretty girl.

It's the eve of present day. I'm headed to my mothers after a last minute Christmas run. She will be making tuna casserole and I shall watch A Charlie Brown Christmas with my socks on. It's going to be glorious. I got her a small little owl necklace and some lavender dryer bags.

Why do I keep having to tell myself I'll be okay?

I'll be okay.

december 23rd resolution

The air is sharp. It cuts through my sweaters and pulls on my armhairs. My glasses fog up with every breath I take into my scarf. My nose is so cold, my fingers are so cold, my toes are so cold. I am riding my bike for the first time in weeks and my lungs feel old. They feel heavy, like my heart feels in my chest. I think I want to be alone now. It is time for book reading and song writing. It is a time for friends (even if they don't tell me everything, and I tell them nothing). It is time for all of this. Even if I make mistakes I will get through whatever this moldy funk is. I'm so over it.

Emotions. Emotions. Emotions.

Maybe if I do this? Maybe if I do that? Next year will be different. Pssh, I doubt it. I thought taking a bike ride would cleanse me. I am not cleansed, but I had a good time with myself. That is a start. I am tired of thinking boys will call, and that they want to be with me. I don't want to play these strange games. They make me feel bad.

No more feeling bad!

I will not make a New Years resolution. I will make a December 23rd resolution: To be my own best friend. Yeah, sex feels good, but so does masturbating. I have to keep imagining how sex feels when it is with someone I want to be with and who wants to be with me. Someone who wants all of me, who can't have enough of me even if they are pissed at me. I have never felt that before. It sounds exciting.